


Field Goal Incomplete

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cousin Incest, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 18:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2238870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fill for HSWC Bonus Round 1.</p><p>"Dave/Rose</p><p>Remember when Dave found out Rose was his sister?"</p><p>NOTES: I made them cousins. Also, the warnings and tags? They get as far as a boob touch, but I tagged it to be safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Field Goal Incomplete

TT: So, Dave. It appears I will be coming next week. I hope you're ready.  
TG: oh believe me i am ready for you to be coming  
TG: that is a sex joke  
TG: because of the sex  
TT: Yes, Dave. That is on my itinerary, I assure you.  
TG: the sex well be having  
TT: You are making this less appealing.  
TG: more appealing  
TG: my monster rod  
TG: also my dick  
TG: but i know how into summoning monsters you are  
TT: Do you really want to be outclassed by a tentacle monster on our first face-to-face meeting though, Strider?  
TG: shit i forgot  
TG: i should probably check with bro and ask him if i can even have a guest  
TG: and a guest for like three days at that  
TG: i mean i doubt hed mind as long as we dont stumble into his freaky puppet porn dungeon or whatever that is  
TG: and you dont touch his pizza  
TG: he is way protective about his sausage  
TT: Wow, shall I read into that or do you have it covered?  
TT: But, yes. Go make sure. Mother believes I am attending a Young Writer's Conference in Austin. Not like she would check, or anything. But, you know, if I am going to have sex schemes, I should bump my scheming up to 11.  
TG: okay i am going to get my ruse on  
TG: my rose ruse  
TT: Please go.

\---

"Bro!" Dave emerged from his room, peering around the hall before heading for the main TV and electronics and shitty puppets area of the apartment. "Hey, Bro! Where are you?"

"Kitchen. What's up? And also are you down for some Pizza Rolls?"

"Triple Pepperoni?"

"No, little dude. Those pizzeria Cheesy Garlic ones."

"Hook me up. But also can I have a friend over?"

"Yeah, when?"

"Like, next week? For three days?"

"Yeah, whatever. Just stay out of my room and hands off the sausage pizza, right?"

"Okay, cool." Dave paused, for dramatic effect, and to get the guts to actually say it. "So, my girlfriend can come over. Hell yes."

"Girlfriend? When did you get a girlfriend? Aren't you, like, 11?"

"Bro, what the fuck. I'm 15."

"11. 15. There is literally no difference. I'd say I have no idea you'd even gone through puberty, but, you know, I do your fucking laundry, you gross little asshole. By the way, start doing your own laundry. You're not 11 anymore, apparently."

"Man, fuck you. I have a girlfriend. And she's hot and mysterious and she thinks I'm cool and I don't have to take this!" Dave started to storm back to his room, but stopped. "Oh, shit, the Pizza Rolls." He slumped against the wall and waited.

\---

There was a knock at the door. Luckily, Bro wasn't home. Dave finally got to meet her. This was it. They met through Jade. Jade knew Rose through some ridiculous Squiddles roleplay IRC chat and Dave knew Jade through some furry art site he frequented and noticed a hilarious girl that got way too excited over pictures of dogs in witch hats. Jade insisted they talk to each other. And so, they did. And they hit it off. And flirted. And joked around and goofed off and then Rose sent a tasteful nude. And Dave sent a dick pic. And they were Internet dating and even listed each other on their Myspace profiles and bullshit Bro didn't know he had a girlfriend because that motherfucker was in his Top 8 and even though his Myspace was totally ironic he would think his own older brother would at least read his goddamn status updates. But whatever. Dave should probably stop musing on what a shitlord neglectful butthole his brother was and let his girlfriend in. And so, he did.

"Yo." Dave was as eloquent as ever. Rose looked. Well. She looked terrible. Not in terms of looks or anything. Dave didn't get catfished or whatever. But her hair was plastered to her head from the Texas heat yet somehow still fluffed out in places from the horrific humidity, which Dave combatted with plenty of hair gel, and she had the grimy look of someone who was just on an almost-cross-country flight.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you warn me it is so hot here? Dave." Rose dragged her suitcase in and scowled. "I'm from upstate New York, Dave. We have snow. Look at my complexion. I don't see the sun often. Do you see me? Why did I agree to visit your hell state in the summer? This is digusting."

Dave awkwardly went in for a hug and Rose stopped him with a palm against his chest. "No, no. I am sweaty and gross, and I need to get a shower and then you can hug me. But I am incredibly unacceptable right now."

"Need any... company?" Dave peered over his sunglasses and waggled his eyebrows lasciviously, and Rose smirked. Mostly because she couldn't believe he actually wore sunglasses indoors when not taking ironic Internet photos. Holy hell.

"Easy, tiger. Go hide your crusty sock and stolen porno mags or whatever you gross boys keep in your room, and then after I'm presentable, maybe I'll let you get to first base."

"Second."

"First and a half."

"There's no first and a half, Rose. Do you even know how to do a sports?"

"I'm pretty sure I know how to do a sports about as well as you do, Dave."

"Point taken. I'm going to go change my computer background image to something that isn't your boobs."

"Oh, Mr. Strider. I'm flattered."

"Please, Mr. Strider is my father. I'm... assuming. I mean, it makes the most sense, but..."

"Dave, I'm going to get a shower."

\---

Rose came out in a black t-shirt and a black knee-length skirt and Rose was regretting being a spooky high school goth because Texas weather and black clothing did not mix but at least Dave had air conditioning. Her hair was still fluffed out though.

To his credit, Dave cleaned up his room. His games were put away and he took some unfinished snacks out to the kitchen and he just really hoped that she didn't think his bottles of sweet AJ were bottles of piss from a World of Warcraft marathon session or something, because Dave had no interest in defeating the Lich Crusade or whatever the fuck and he certainly had even less interest in peeing in things that weren't toilets or the occassional shower when he was feeling lazy as hell.

Dave went in for the hug again and, holy hell, hug accepted. Hugs were nice. Dave appreciated the closeness and how she smelled like some flowery bullshit shampoo and also holy shit those were boobs and they were pushed all up on him and boobs were soft and wow A+ would recommend boobs. This might be first and a half base. Which was, like, second shortstop, maybe. Shorterstop. The one that prevented the field goal. Anyway. Boobs. Yes.

Rose broke the hug and sat down on the bed. Dave sat down next to her and stared at her boobs, and then his hands. Mostly his hands. She totally knew he was thinking about boobs. She was into psychology and he had Boob-Thinker Complex written all over his stupid fucking face. "So, uh."

"Yes. Uh is a pretty good summary."

"You're here."

"Also a good summary."

"And my bro is... not?"

"Are you implying that we should maybe, as the kids say, get busy?"

"Rose, please. We are the kids. Stop. We say that. And, uh, but, yes? Maybe? I mean. If you want? To do the thing, I mean."

Rose rolled her eyes and leaned in, pressing her lips to his babbling mouth and he got saliva on her and it was horribly awkward but she parted her lips and moved a hand to the back of his head as she turned her body to face him better. Dave responded in kind, except his hand went right for the thigh because he was a man and men took charge and women totally dug that... at least according to the junior in his freshman English class who talked about fingering all the time.

Rose responded by grabbing his hand and moving it to her side. Okay, that was fair. Either way, kissing. And it was amazing. Rose tasted like... well. Not really anything. She tasted good. Dave tasted like parmesan cheese but also that good kiss taste and maybe a little hint of garlic. If Dave were aware of this fact, he'd probably think about how he should have brushed his teeth and go into a huge panic and lean away and dig through his bedside table in hopes of finding some gum and then pull a cool guy move and pull out the Magnum condom he'd been hoarding since he was twelve and he and his friends stole a box from the gas station Kwik-E-Mart and then Rose would be weirded out and Rose was now actually looking at him while kissing, before breaking it. "You seem preoccupied."

Dave was apparently thinking about the whole toothbrushing thing, and had no idea how it had even popped into his mind, but he totally had those Pizza Rolls for lunch, which polished off the box from last week. "Sorry, this is all... kind of big, and new. And am I doing okay?" Dave regretted the question immediately, because fingering dude would be all sorts of ashamed that he had even asked that question.

"Maybe this will tell you how you're doing." Rose grinned and leaned back, grabbing the bottom of her black t-shirt and pulling it upward. Her skin was so smooth and lovely and perfect and she was a little pudgy but goddamn did she look hotter in real life than she did in her pictures. She was wearing a purple bra and she filled it out very well. And this pretty much meant Dave was doing a great job. Or so badly that Rose was distracting him with breasts.

Dave was a lot of things. Excited was one of them. Failing to conceal a boner was a second. Smooth, though? Smooth was not a thing that Dave Strider ever was, and continued to the present to not be. As soon as those breasts were mostly revealed, Dave went for a grab, his fingers pressing into that yielding, wonderful boob, brushing against where her nipple probably was behind the purple whatever-this-fabric-was. He also, however, also leaned in. Right as Rose did. And his forehead smacked right into her nose.

"Ow, shit!" Rose leaned back.

Dave looked up. "Oh, fuck! Sorry! Oh man, are you okay?" Right as the question left his lips, he watched a drop of crimson drop down and splash against her mostly bare chest. "Shit!"

"Am I bleeding?" Her hand went up and covered her nose. "Oh gog, I'm fuggin' bleebin'."

"Shit shit shit! Rose, I am so sorry! Uh..." Dave stood up and started pacing, his awkward boner not refusing to back down at the sight of blood because there were still totally breasts present, and as such, he looked ridiculous. "I'm going to get some toilet paper! There's an ice pack in the freezer! Fuuuuck."

And Dave was gone, headed for the bathroom. Rose walked out of the door, her hand a bloody mess, her chest a bloody mess, leaving a droplet here and there on the floor. It was when her head was practically in the freezer that the apartment door opened. Dave Strider was apparently either horrible at telling time or reading notes.

Bro Strider walked in with a grocery bag and stopped, confronted at the site of the back of a shirtless teenager rooting around in the freezer. "Oh, uh, damn. Dave, goddamn it."

Rose Lalonde gave a surprised yelp and dropped the ice pack, which caused her to jump. She whipped around, her hand abandoning her face to instead cross both arms over her chest, leaving some streaky blood marks on her skin, at that.

"Jesus H., oh my god. Dave!" Bro called out, looking at the girl. "What the hell did you do?" Did his idiot little brother let a serial killer in the house? He stared at her, then blinked, then frowned in thought. "Wait a second. Rose?"

Rose was in the middle of a babbled apology and the nosebleed story and that she was Dave's girlfriend but then he knew her name. And that was... weird? She was pretty sure Dave hadn't told him much of anything about her, really. "Uh...?"

"Rose! Wow, what are you doing here? Where's Dave?" Dave took that moment to pop his head out of the bathroom, clutching a wad of toilet paper the size of a softball.

"Oh my god, you're home? How is it 4? Shit, Bro. I--"

"Dave, did you know your cousin was coming? Rose, wow. It's me, Dirk? Remember? From... well, I guess you weren't. Shit, it's been like... a fucking dozen years since the last time you were here! Hot damn. Shit, your nose. Oh, tilt your head forward and gently pinch the bridge. Dave, get over here."

Dave came over and handed over his ostrich egg sized toilet paper ball and looked guilty and weirded out and--wait. Hold the phone. "What? Cousin? When's our cousin coming? What?"

Bro stared at Dave. "Now? Here?" He motioned to a confused and bloodied Rose. "Rose Lalonde? Dave, are you on the drugs? Do I need to get the egg and the pan out again?"

Dave felt ill. Rose felt ill. Dave continued to gawk. "Uh." No, bullshit. "No. Not funny." He grabbed his bro's wrist and dragged him away to the hallway, pointing a finger at his face. "No, fuck that. Not cool. Dude, how is that even remotely funny? You knew my girlfriend was coming today. Is this some shitty prank? You come home early and then call her my cousin? This isn't an episode of Arrested Development, Bro!"

"Okay, first of all. Get the finger out of my face before I get it out of your hand, dude. Second of all, I'm not home early. Third of all, Rose is your c--wait. Your girlfriend was getting here tod--Rose is... oh hell." Bro called out loudly. "Oh my god, you need to put a shirt on as soon as you're done bleeding. Please do that. Do it as soon as actually humanly possible. ASAAHP. Does Aunt Roxy even know where you even are? Fucking Christ!"

"No! Not funny. Oh my god..."

"Dave, go sit your ass on the couch."

"No!"

"Sit!" And Dave went and sat. Rose sat too. In a purple Squiddles t-shirt. Neither of them looked at each other. The carpeting was suddenly very interesting.

In a few minutes, Dirk Strider returned with a book. A book covered in felt. It was a photo album. The title? Strider Sentimental Shit, Vol. 1. He sat down between them and flipped it open. Three pages in, he gave a somber nod and set it down on the coffee table. There was Dave. No older than three. And there was a girl. A girl who looked a lot like Rose. And they were in the bathtub, covered in suds. Dave crying his head off as Rose gleefully pulled at his hair.

And for a brief moment, Dave thought that maybe this wouldn't be bad as long as they didn't have sex, until the rest of his brain screamed those brain cells into an early death, and Rose stood up.

"I. I should. Go. I should go. I'm gonna go. I'm definitely. Can I get a ride. To the airport? I just need to... grab my bag. Yes. Okay. Dave. It was. A thing."

"It... yes."

"Oh my god."

"Yes. Accurate summary."

\---

TT: Oh my god. I wish you could have seen it.  
TG: rosey wouldnt even levae her room for three days when she got back!!  
TG: i felt so bad but i mean liek  
TG: *like  
TG: if she just TOLD me where she was going i could have been like  
TG: okay dont bang your cousin or whatever but she had to be a little sneak  
TT: Shit, I mean, like.  
TT: Dave is so torn up right now.  
TT: Half of him is clearly so jazzed about touching his first boob.  
TT: But the rest is just mortified.  
TT: I told him it would be a funny story at the next family reunion and he threw a pillow at me and ran off, baby tantrum style.  
TG: awww babby  
TG: god these kids  
TT: These kids, though. Right?  
TG: i feel bad but at the same time he fuckin headbutted her????  
TT: Right in the nose. I asked him what happened and he was just like, "I don't want to talk about it!"  
TT: Maybe we should do family things more often?  
TT: You know, so this thing doesn't happen?  
TG: damn straight i mean shit what if some of us breed or whatever????  
TG: HELL NO  
TG: four eyed weird mutants are cool when their cats or whatevz but no thanks  
TT: Aunt Roxy, Jesus Christ.  
TG: god i still cant beelieve he headbutted her  
TG: anyway we should do crustmas this year  
TG: *cranstmas  
TG: *xmas  
TT: I am down with that.


End file.
